Haggis Mak Haggis

makhaggis @ 2006-04-14T17:37:00

2006-04-14T21:42:47Z

I wanna go to a major car dealership, find the greenest kid there, and say "I just can't decide.....I'LL TAKE 'EM ALL!" and watch him faint.

makhaggis @ 2005-10-31T21:53:00

2005-11-01T03:16:16Z

And lastly : The House on Haunted Hill A-
They play the suspense so well that even though the only solid spook is near the beginning I was speechless for the rest of the film until the end, which is a tad awkward. The only words that came to mind were wijuhwikifikuk, nO, No, and no. It's the first GOOD flick I've seen so far in this series.

Now that we've spent all month having fun with all manner of spookery, I'd like to cap it off with a point that serves as the entire basis for the condition of Fright. These works of film and literature we know so well commonly display the need for self-control and logical reason, and when we lose that, we're lost. We see all the things we're most afraid of whether in the void of dark, in an ideal, or in others, and rob ourselves of the positive aspects of life.

Don't lose your head.;p

brought to you by Derma-28

2005-10-27T02:47:56Z

Atom Age Vampire
This movie is so retarded and melodramatic that all I can tell you is don't spend the rest of your life wondering how bad it is.

Return of the son of the Movie Reviews

2005-10-17T03:39:54Z

Today's flik: The Monster Maker

It starts out boring enough, with a piano concert. Some guy runs around claiming his wife died and brings a picture of the girl(the pianist's daughter, heh) he wants to marry. Creepy. He's also a scientist who developed a strange disease that puffs up your face and elongates your hands. I check the name of the movie to be sure they got the right title. Over a long drawn out blah blah, the doctor knocks the old man out and injects him with the disease. Shortly thereafter the old man looks like quasimodo, and locks himself in his mansion parlor. There's a scene involving the Doctor and his gullible assistant wherein they discuss how he managed to master the disease. They have some sort of creature in a cage, but it looks like a normal freaking gorilla. I check the name of the movie again. This must be a prank. Nope. Anyway, the assistant has a conscience and wants out, but the doc yells at her and that seems enough to keep her there. No, the gorilla doesn't have any pivotal part to play. Monsters are only mentioned by the old man as a frankenstein reference, and the cure is conveniently discovered at the end of the movie. They show a shot of what I guess is a piglet, then they show the SAME SHOT AGAIN early on and later in the movie to show the difference between normal and diseased states. What the crap? Back on track, the doc barters for the old man's daughter, but he's chained down, bbreaks free, and tussles with the doc. The girl runs to the next room to meet the her fiance and the assitant who arrived just in time to hear a gunshot in the other room. They go in and lucky them the doc's dead. Old man's cured, Happy ending.

This skunky waste of film is definitelty one ripe for ridicule and should definitely be experienced in groups.

makhaggis @ 2005-10-16T23:15:00

2005-10-17T03:17:09Z

I just noticed a name in the ST:TNG credits the other day. Buddy Bowles. It sounds like something from Ren & Stimpy: Buddy Bowls, matching creal bowls for you and your sidekick.

Ad-vertiss-mint

2005-10-12T16:45:40Z

It's time for *lightning sounds* THE OLDY MOLDIES! Brought to you by Pike's Nursery, Dr. Pepper, and Morgan's Metal Drum Emporium. Tomorrow-ish......

what I did over the summer

2005-08-25T14:30:49Z

I've been taking classes at Madam Mim's Psychosium over the summer and now have an associate degree in ESPN. My psychic gypsy name is "Hooka the Inconcievable" and I've hypnotized my pet human to take me with him on his road trip next weekend.

makhaggis @ 2005-07-29T01:12:00

2005-07-29T05:19:45Z

My fortune cookie today read: Now is the time to expend your business.
I did not typo. The mysterious forces behind the cookie have decided I should roll up shop and retire or at least throw everything at random people on the sidewalk.

Other than that, I have a couple questions of quantum ethics that I've needed feedback on.
1. Is it right to give a caveman a hamburger?
2. What would daytime soap operas be like if Penn and Teller shot Genghis Khan into outer space?
3. Should there be another Bill & Ted movie?

New Segment : The town buffoon. test

2005-04-29T03:57:21Z

There's a paper in Atlanta called Creative Loafing Wherein lies a weekly article titled The Blotter. All items in The Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta Police reports and are public record. I will keep it as work safe as I can, and would love comments for general poking fun.

1. A 52-year-old man tried to perform a circumcision (on) himself at his home. "He cut himself, causing a severe laceration," the officer wrote. The man said his insurance company would not cover circumcision surgery. After examining the man, medics said hospital staff would have to complete the circumcision. The man, who has no history of mental problems, was take taken to the hospital.

2. A man walked into a Catholic church during a ceremony and started to bathe in the baptismal fountain. The man, age 32, had red dreadlocks and weighed 225 pounds.
The reverend told the man to stop bathing and leave the church. The man refused, so police were called. The reverend and another man tried to close the sanctuary gates, and the bathing man hit both of them. When police arrived, the reverend's hand was bleeding.
The Bathing man went to jail.

3. The owner of a neighborhood grocery store saw a man marking up the building with obscene words and pictures. The owner confronted the man, who said, "Go ahead and call the police." Police arrived and arrested the man, age 60. He is homeless.

mic check 1, 2 is it on? tap tap

2005-02-02T21:42:38Z

*ahem*
I do not believe in fairies.
That is all.
*walks away*

makhaggis @ 2005-01-18T13:44:00

2005-01-18T18:51:11Z

Extra icon. That's all for now.

makhaggis @ 2005-01-04T16:02:00

2005-01-04T21:07:37Z

My chaffeur is taking a class on public speaking so he can "Talk easy and wow."
And now he put me in his locker with his screenprinting equipment and a zombie.

makhaggis @ 2004-12-28T23:09:00

2004-12-29T04:35:15Z

Fictional Questions from Vakkotaur

1. Why did you eat the pirate?
2. How did the pirate taste?
3. After those three years, what was the stomach remedy that finally worked?
4. Have you ever bitten a "Killer" shrew?
5. Do shrews taste better than pirates?

Answers

1. It wasn't intentional. I was sleeping in my cave, and a ship rammed into it by accident. Groggily, I swam up to see what the deal was, and yawned as I stuck my head out of the water. I nudged the boat off my roof, upsetting it terribly, and a pirate fell in.

2. They called him "Stinky Pete", and after I swallowed him, I earned the name "The Sickly Serpent".

3. There is no cure for Stinky Pete. That was the only time I regretted my slow digestion rate, as he survived in my belly for another six months. He never payed rent either. I still have nightmares about him.

4. If by "Killer Shrew" you mean "costumed dog", no. I wouldn't want to eat one if it was poisoned.

5. I can imagine a killer shrew being almost as bad as Stinky Pete.

forced controversy

2004-11-05T02:06:22Z

Dear Media,
Kerry conceded. That means it's over! It was EVERYWHERE! You couldn't miss it! You don't care. You suck.

Dear Osama,
Bomb our media. They need it. They suck.

Last post for the REAL HALLOWEEN!!!!

2004-11-01T04:21:25Z

I want to make a movie about Helen Keller meeting a bunch of zombies.

4th

2004-10-29T21:35:37Z

They filmed this in maybe a day. This movie was just one big red herring.
It starts with a ship captain and his pilot(an amos and andy ripoff, the poor guy) that arrive at an "island" to deliver supplies, but must stay the night due to a "hurricane" coming in. It's slowly revealed that theer are giant dog-sized shrews(normally tiny little suckers) on the island that have eaten the rest of the local wildlife and are starving. They use four dogs with ugly masks and rat-like tails on to portray the killer shrews, although they claim there are about 200-300 on the island(because they were experimenting with genetic manipulation and whoops they escaped). And they're posonous because the scientists tried to kill them with poison, but they magically adapted, so there. All they do is run up to people, "bite", then run away and you're dead. The house the scientists are holed up in is made of adobe, so naturally the shrews don't begin burrowing until the captain mentions it. The pilot dies right away of course. The head scientist has a daughter(in a b-movie? No!) and she has a jealous bf who works as the professor's assistant. Nuff said there. During the big getaway scene cue the very little wind, and the girl, pilot, and professor try to get to the boat by using big metal buckets as little tanks to protect them from the shrews. However they did not take stock of their props before embarking on this improv movie, so they tied four together while the jealous bf wanted to stay on the roof, but proved a total wuss and jumped off out of all that wind rustling his jacket to crunchety chocolatey doom while the other three crawled away in their metal drums to safety, at which point the doc makes a reference to overpopulation, "but we don't have to worry about that yet" says the pilot. Orchestra and fade.

The horror channel? 'kay.

2004-10-19T15:52:35Z

#3 today is "The Brain That Wouldn't Die".

It starts out as the template for all hospital soap operas.
"You can't play god, son!"
"I gave him a better chance than you did! I saved his life!"
"Yeah but still..."
Wow. Doesn't take much to play god does it? How did he play god just now? They don't say. Here comes the girlfriend. talky talky, now they go to meet a fellow scientist out at a country home. Out far away from prying eyes and ears and fingers. He's in an awful hurry. Oops you crashed. He rolls a little down the hill barely wrinkled, and walks over to the car that beat him there by a few hours. GF is in the burning car and dies upon seeing him in near mint condition(the car's fine too except for the busted windshield and the burning steering wheel), so he throws his jacket inside and pulls her head off *pop*. He walks 50 yards to the country house, and puts the head on a table and injects it with dr. pepper. "Let me die" it whispers. Doc pretends not to hear. Doc goes off to find a suitable body replacement. He goes to a speakeasy to set up the obligatory catfight for the movie, then goes off and locates an old friend. Meanwhile the head goes evil and talks to the monster in the closet that hasn't had its suit finished yet. Doc comes back and poisons the girl, but he conveniently goes to stand in front of the closet door and gets choked by the monster who just now figures out how to break the hinges. He sets the place on fire and carries the replacement girl outside while the disembodied head(without lungs mind you) laughs and fade to black. by the end of the movie(2 days) they forgot the title and renamed it The HEAD That Wouldn't Die.

"Morgan, ya hear that?"
"Where'd you come from?!? get outta my journal!"
"Morgan!*muffled* MRRRPHGRRPH!"

omgwtf....wmd!

2004-10-19T15:26:44Z

Since matter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred to another state, shouldn't wmd's be called bulldozer bombs since all they do is push stuff away? or better yet call them teenagers?

Horror classic #2

2004-10-13T19:55:03Z

From the box:
The Last Man of Earth
Based on the chilling Richard Matheson science fiction classic "I am a Legend", and later remade as "The Omega Man" starring Charlton Heston, this classic features Vincent Price as scientist Robert Morgan in a post apocalyptic nightmare world. The world has been consumed by a ravenous plague that has transformed humanity into a race of bloodthirsty vampires. Only Morgan proves immune, and becomes the solitary vampire slayer. Unrated.
*****

It's another bad one. The zombies kinda amble about and lazily swing 2x4s at the walls and boarded up windows to Morgan's house and half-heartedly shout "Morgan, ya hear that?" while during the day he goes around killing any poor sucker he meets. It's interrupted in the middle by an extended flashback of people acting rather awkwardly scripted before the "plague" blew through town. It even had a cute little puppy. It's an extremely quiet movie without the orchestra providing the exxagerated mood music.

And Now, Comedy!

2004-10-11T13:22:21Z

My folks got a collection of dvds of old horror movies. Really old, really bad. The kind that take a week to produce altogether. Among them are titles such as "The Brain that wouldn't die", "The killer shrews", and "Atom age Vampire" mixed in with "The night of the living dead" and "nosferatu"
Since its october, I'm going to review as many of them as I can, starting with the only one I've seen so far, The little shop of horrors.

TLSOH: This is not the doo-wop opera we've come to know and avoid mentioning. This black and white monstrosity has the same goofy characters without the satisfying ending Rick Moranis gave us. On the back of the box is a list of what actors were in which movies, cheifly Bela Lugosi in about 7 flicks, but what struck me with this particaluar bomber was that Jack Nicholson was in it. It takes a while, but you'll see him for about 3 minutes. Little shop has all the same schlocky goodness of the pop version, but with more emphasis on the jewish-ness of the shopowner, Mr Mushnik and "that meshuggenah plant." It doesn't come from outer space and it doesn't have little mouth-buds to sing backup(thank god it's not a musical) but as promised it delivers a disappointing ending.
I didn't mean to! *flomp*
I give it a 4 out of 17.

Talk like a pirate day

2004-09-19T14:52:10Z

Pirates are funny little people. They're diseased and stinky tho, and don't talk so good. I wouldn't suggest eating one, I did once and had a tummy ache for 3 years. Mostly they sit around in the middle of the sea and stare at each other all bored.